The feel of him over her, around her, inside her was a powerful reminder of how intensely they had missed each other and how deep her feelings for him were rooted. Their reunion after so many weeks apart was now complete; they had talked, rehashed stories that were first written in letters during their absence, ate food from the diner where they shared their first date, and now as the moon kept watchful vigil over them, they consummated their love once again.
Mark Ainsworth had been called away leaving the two teenagers snuggled together in front of an episode of X-Files. It didn't take more than the sound of the door being shut and latched for Nick and Kaylin to act on the heat bristling between them as they lay on the faded blue sofa, their eyes barely following the movements of the screen.
Nick was lounging with Kaylin curled up between his legs, her head resting on his stomach, his fingers brushing absently through her hair when Mark came in the room to tell them he needed to take off. Kaylin was sure the excitement that began coursing through her was palpable, but before she could adjust herself she felt Nick's leg clamp down on her side. She looked up at him and he gave her a grin without taking his eyes of the flashing set in front of them. She relaxed back to where she was laying, taking the silent cue that he felt it too. Mark rushed about, going to change from his jeans into a dress shirt and tie; there was a possibility of another company moving in to town and he was called in to the discussion on the behalf of the union.
"Guys I'm sorry to have to bail on our welcome home party," Mark said as he gathered up papers from and stuffed them into a briefcase, "but if they want to hear from the union," he paused, "this is a good sign. Nick, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, dad, seriously. I plan to be home for a long time," he laughed. Waving to Mark who was already heading for the door.
""Bye Mark," Kaylin hollered as the door was shutting.
Mark popped his head back inside, "Sorry, Kaylin, 'bye! Tell your dad what's going on, he'll want to know. Nick, I'm locking the door, the guy next door thought someone was breaking in the other day." Mark didn't wait for a reply, but pulled the door shut and locked the deadbolt from the outside.
At the sound of the door, Nick slipped his leg over Kay and slid down next to her, his back to the TV. "Well now I can't see the TV," Kaylin mockingly complained but snuggled against him, "I'm so afraid that I'm going to wake up and I'll just be alone wearing your shirt like always."
"Not like always, babe, just for the last few weeks," Nick said, brushing a stray lock of her hair away from her face. "and you're not going to wake up." He put his arm over her and rubbed her back. "Babe, I can feel every bone in your body," he stood up and took her hands in his, leading her to stand up as well, "c'mere, let me get a better look at you." He lifted her shirt up over her head and ran his hands down her arms then tracing her ribs with his fingertips.
"You know, some guys like skinny girls," she quipped, reaching up to put her arms around his neck.
"I'm not one of those guys. I like my girls to look like you, and right now you look more like Kate Moss," he put his hands flat against her stomach "look, my hands can go almost completely around your waist!"
Anxious to stop the scrutiny of her body, Kaylin reached for the hem of Nick's tee shirt and began to gather it up to pull over his head, "How 'bout we just stop talking for awhile?" she suggested and stepped closer to his body lavishing the feel of his skin against hers. "I missed you so much," she choked on her words as Nick craned his head back to look directly into her eyes as she went on, "it was so hard to do everything: to go to school, to stay at home, everything was a mess." Nick didn't say a word but pulled his arms around her to hug her. "I'm just so glad your back. Promise me your OK now. Promise me you won't ever go away under those circumstances again."
Nick nodded into her hair, "I promise," he mumbled as he started to kiss along the side of her face and down her neck.
This night their time together wasn't the awkward, groping sex of teenagers but the intimate clinging of two people desperate for the other. Nick found himself holding back tears when he was positioned to look at Kaylin's naked body lying under him. She had been wasting away while he was gone, and he felt guilty for it. He was right in comparing her to Kate Moss, all bones and skin, but what a beautiful set of bones and skin it was. He loved her like the earth around him and was desperate for the air and water that only she could give him. He learned that as his addiction to substances wained he would become addicted to the attentions and dependency of her, that it was a common problem of addicts, but he didn't care. Right now, and for as long as was humanly possible, she was his and she was all he needed.
Showing posts with label Nick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nick. Show all posts
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Thirteen
It was at this time, the time Kaylin found herself between when Nick had left and when he would return, that Kaylin decided to try acting. As a little girl her mother would sing with her while they cleaned or to pass the time while waiting for her father to get home. Her little performances would earn her one of the much coveted smiles from her father and a little peace in the house. Her father had even told her she should try out for the community choir or theater. But as the tension between her parents heightened, and her mother began to go out more and more the time Kaylin spent singing for her parents dwindled, and the idea of time spent on a stage was occupied with time spent keeping up with those responsible for her.
Now with Mark Ainsworth telling her to have a life outside of her relationship with Nick, and her own need to waste away the time before Nick got home, Kaylin went to the community theater to audition for a role in their spring production of Godspell. Kaylin found the idea of loosing herself in a different persona invigorating, and she immersed herself in the theater life. She volunteered to help with props for the next show, paid close attention to the hair and makeup application, and practiced singing the songs long before the first rehearsal scheduled for after the New Year. She put every detail in her letters to Nick, and his letters were full of support and repetitions of how happy he was that she was doing something other than shutting herself in her room. She mailed him pictures of the two of them, and of her for his walls, and he mailed her lyrics from songs that reminded him of her. She told him of the dramas going on in school and of the goings on at the local theater; he told her of group sessions and learning to meditate.
As the holidays approached Nick and Kaylin began to count down the days until his scheduled release. She was concerned that things wouldn’t be the same between them when he returned, and she was secretly fearful of their first meeting after so long apart. The countdown dwindled down from weeks to days, and finally days until hours; Mark Ainsworth left Riversedge early Friday to pick up and return with Nick Saturday afternoon. Kay didn’t go to school that Friday. She was restless and worried; part of her was aching to see Nick in a way that frightened her with its strength, but another part of her was terrified that when they saw each other the connection, the feeling she had when he was around would be gone. She stared at the picture she had taped to her wall: a candid picture of her and Nick, he was hugging her, her head was on his shoulder and his head was leaning on her forehead, he was wearing the softest smile. He looked so happy, so content; was it her or the drugs he must have been on? Was the intensity and chemistry they had together just a side effect of his drug habit? How much of him did she really know?
All her worries didn’t stop her from cleaning the house the way her mother had taught her so many years ago. She scrubbed the baseboards, polished the doorknobs, vacuumed every rug and then combed over the vacuum marks. She did anything to sway her mind from it's constant vacillating between the images of what her and Nick's reunion would be. She pictured the two of them running to each other in slow motion, like a poorly written movie, a long, passionate kiss and never speaking of where he had spent the last eight weeks. But then she would also picture an awkward hug, followed by uncomfortable silences punctuated with forced questions like, "Well, how've you been?" and uneasy glances from Mark who was constantly hovering over them. She couldn't figure out which scenario was more likely so she could prepare herself. Readying herself for big emotions was a necessity, and her indecision prompted her to clean the house manically and when she was done, she turned to herself.
She scrubbed her thick hair, now long past her shoulders and shaved her legs twice. She pulled on an old pair of blue jeans and noticed for the first time how baggy they felt. When she turned to view herself in the mirror, she saw a fraction of the person who was supposed to be staring back. The white, knit shirt she was wearing was no longer tight, but fell loosely around her. Nick had been gone for six weeks and in that time she had wasted away. She pulled her hair out of the twisted towel and let it fall wet and limp around her face. She had put on a light coating of makeup and now sat staring at her reflection. She was twisted with emotions when she heard the familiar sound of a car pulling up to the front of her house.
With her heart a hummingbird in a cage, Kaylin sprinted down the stairs. She peeped in on her grandfather, asleep in front of the television and checked that the note she had written for him an hour before was easily accessible to him. Along with the Ainsworth's home telephone number, she had written out that Nick was coming home and she was going with him and his father to welcome him home. Without stopping to wait for a knock, Kaylin opened the front door and before her stood Nick, same as he'd ever been: the same easy smile with dimples at either side, the same soft eyes that twinkled like lights in the sun.
In that instant, all her fears and visions of what might happen drifted away and again she was Kaylin McSandsen, the most beautiful girl in the world to this one boy.
Nick opened the storm door while Kaylin stood reeling in the moment. He put his hands on either side of her face and stared at her every feature, his eyes were glistening with tears not shed, his touch made her body warm, and for a moment, neither of them said a word. Nick was lost in the moment of seeing her again; this moment he had dreamt of nightly for the last eight weeks was unfolding itself before his eyes and he was lost in the process. As if moving her was moving another part of his own body, he easily brought her face up to his and kissed her lips gently, softly, relishing the taste and feel of her once again. They broke the kiss, and his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, drawing her as close to him as he could hugging her tightly against him.
For the last eight weeks, Kaylin had been working herself into the ground; not one to step on scales she was sure that she had lost a considerable amount of weight since Nick held her last. His hands traced over her ribs as he surveyed her appearance. “Oh, Kay,” his voice was gentle and concerned, “babe, it seems you and I have been apart way too long. You need good diner food and lots of it.” He flashed her a mischievous grin, took her hand in his, and kissed it. “Let’s go get started.”
Now with Mark Ainsworth telling her to have a life outside of her relationship with Nick, and her own need to waste away the time before Nick got home, Kaylin went to the community theater to audition for a role in their spring production of Godspell. Kaylin found the idea of loosing herself in a different persona invigorating, and she immersed herself in the theater life. She volunteered to help with props for the next show, paid close attention to the hair and makeup application, and practiced singing the songs long before the first rehearsal scheduled for after the New Year. She put every detail in her letters to Nick, and his letters were full of support and repetitions of how happy he was that she was doing something other than shutting herself in her room. She mailed him pictures of the two of them, and of her for his walls, and he mailed her lyrics from songs that reminded him of her. She told him of the dramas going on in school and of the goings on at the local theater; he told her of group sessions and learning to meditate.
As the holidays approached Nick and Kaylin began to count down the days until his scheduled release. She was concerned that things wouldn’t be the same between them when he returned, and she was secretly fearful of their first meeting after so long apart. The countdown dwindled down from weeks to days, and finally days until hours; Mark Ainsworth left Riversedge early Friday to pick up and return with Nick Saturday afternoon. Kay didn’t go to school that Friday. She was restless and worried; part of her was aching to see Nick in a way that frightened her with its strength, but another part of her was terrified that when they saw each other the connection, the feeling she had when he was around would be gone. She stared at the picture she had taped to her wall: a candid picture of her and Nick, he was hugging her, her head was on his shoulder and his head was leaning on her forehead, he was wearing the softest smile. He looked so happy, so content; was it her or the drugs he must have been on? Was the intensity and chemistry they had together just a side effect of his drug habit? How much of him did she really know?
All her worries didn’t stop her from cleaning the house the way her mother had taught her so many years ago. She scrubbed the baseboards, polished the doorknobs, vacuumed every rug and then combed over the vacuum marks. She did anything to sway her mind from it's constant vacillating between the images of what her and Nick's reunion would be. She pictured the two of them running to each other in slow motion, like a poorly written movie, a long, passionate kiss and never speaking of where he had spent the last eight weeks. But then she would also picture an awkward hug, followed by uncomfortable silences punctuated with forced questions like, "Well, how've you been?" and uneasy glances from Mark who was constantly hovering over them. She couldn't figure out which scenario was more likely so she could prepare herself. Readying herself for big emotions was a necessity, and her indecision prompted her to clean the house manically and when she was done, she turned to herself.
She scrubbed her thick hair, now long past her shoulders and shaved her legs twice. She pulled on an old pair of blue jeans and noticed for the first time how baggy they felt. When she turned to view herself in the mirror, she saw a fraction of the person who was supposed to be staring back. The white, knit shirt she was wearing was no longer tight, but fell loosely around her. Nick had been gone for six weeks and in that time she had wasted away. She pulled her hair out of the twisted towel and let it fall wet and limp around her face. She had put on a light coating of makeup and now sat staring at her reflection. She was twisted with emotions when she heard the familiar sound of a car pulling up to the front of her house.
With her heart a hummingbird in a cage, Kaylin sprinted down the stairs. She peeped in on her grandfather, asleep in front of the television and checked that the note she had written for him an hour before was easily accessible to him. Along with the Ainsworth's home telephone number, she had written out that Nick was coming home and she was going with him and his father to welcome him home. Without stopping to wait for a knock, Kaylin opened the front door and before her stood Nick, same as he'd ever been: the same easy smile with dimples at either side, the same soft eyes that twinkled like lights in the sun.
In that instant, all her fears and visions of what might happen drifted away and again she was Kaylin McSandsen, the most beautiful girl in the world to this one boy.
Nick opened the storm door while Kaylin stood reeling in the moment. He put his hands on either side of her face and stared at her every feature, his eyes were glistening with tears not shed, his touch made her body warm, and for a moment, neither of them said a word. Nick was lost in the moment of seeing her again; this moment he had dreamt of nightly for the last eight weeks was unfolding itself before his eyes and he was lost in the process. As if moving her was moving another part of his own body, he easily brought her face up to his and kissed her lips gently, softly, relishing the taste and feel of her once again. They broke the kiss, and his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, drawing her as close to him as he could hugging her tightly against him.
For the last eight weeks, Kaylin had been working herself into the ground; not one to step on scales she was sure that she had lost a considerable amount of weight since Nick held her last. His hands traced over her ribs as he surveyed her appearance. “Oh, Kay,” his voice was gentle and concerned, “babe, it seems you and I have been apart way too long. You need good diner food and lots of it.” He flashed her a mischievous grin, took her hand in his, and kissed it. “Let’s go get started.”
Part Two: Chapter Twelve
Nick was charged with possession and in lieu of jail he was sent to a rehabilitation facility in West Virginia. Kaylin went to the hearing and visited Nick as often as she could. At night, after she ate a silent meal with seanahair she would lock herself in her room and cry. It was like the years before him were nothing compared to the months with him. In such a short time she had gotten used to Nick's voice at dinner, his laughter at the sitcoms her grandfather watched after, and the feeling of safety that filled her when he was around.
Alicia even braved running into Aaron, and came over in an attempt to offer support to her grieving friend, only to sit on the floor while Kay lay in bed and watch TV in silence. In school, Kaylin saw the pity in the eyes of her classmates and came to realize why her father hated the emotion. She hated the idea of people feeling sorry for her, and she plastered on a smile as best she could. It took no time for the Kaylin McSandsen everyone had known for so long: quiet, dependable, easily ignored to return to everyone's lives.
After the first two weeks of separation, Nick's letters began to pour in. He wrote every day, long rambling letters full of his emotions and daily activities. Kaylin wrote to him every time she received one of his. At first she was careful about her wording, and offered support and encouragement that he was doing the right thing, but it didn't take long before her letter became much like his, full of longing, and sadness at his absence. She told him how alone she felt in the world, how she missed everything about him, how she wore his tee shirts to bed and they smelled so much like him that she would wake up sure that he was laying next to her like he used to. He wrote that at night he was next to her, and the only thing that kept him going during the rough nights was knowing she was going to be there when he was well. He was going to classes, so he would finish high school on time.
Thanksgiving came and went; Nick was still in West Virginia, Aaron McSandsen got work at a plastics plant in a nearby town, and Francis continued his weekly routine of the VFW, mass, and television. Kaylin spent the holiday dinner with her father and grandfather at the VFW like every year. She was thankful this year for finding love and for Nick's promise of recovery.
The Sunday following Thanksgiving the entire family attended mass. It was a solemn event seeign as how Aaron rarely went anymore. As they arrived home, Nick's father was starting to pull out of their driveway.
"Aaron," Mark Ainsworth said, getting out of the car to extend his hand, "how've you been?" the two had known each other since the Ainsworth's moved to town. Mark worked for the union Aaron belonged to and had been the one to notify Aaron of the work opening up in Cedar Creek. "Doing fine. It's good to see you," Aaron shook Mark's hand, genuinely surprised by his visit, "How was your holiday?" he asked politely, tugging at collar of his dress shirt.
"It's was all right. I was in Wheeling, visiting my son," Mark cast Kaylin a look and she defensively put her arms around herself. "I'm actually here to talk to Kay about it. That OK?"
Aaron half turned to look at his daughter, "Yeah, suppose so. Kay?" She stepped forward, "that OK with you?" she nodded and gave both men a smile. "Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to get my father inside and take off this monkey suit," Aaron joked, taking Francis' arm and escorting up the few steps to the house.
Once the storm door snapped shut Mark began, "How've you been, Kay? You doin' all right?" Mark Ainsworth was young and lean for his age. His salt and pepper hair was curly and unruly even though it was trimmed short. He leaned against his car and fiddled with the keys in his jacket pocket.
"I'm good. Well, good as to be expected. How's Nick? He writes that he's ok, but you know, is he really OK?" she stood in front of him, her posture ridiculously stiff compared to his relaxed state.
"Yeah, yeah he's doing good. Real good," his eyes moved away from Kaylin's and stared beyond her at some distant point. He absent-mindedly sucked at his teeth and sighed, "We've been through this before, he and I. His mother was in and out of rehab a lot, so we're pretty used to the drill. I guess I should have seen this coming."
"No you shouldn't have. I didn't. And I saw him a lot more than you did," Kaylin offered, trying to be supportive.
Mark let out a sarcastic laugh, "Yeah. Guess so."
"No, I didn't mean it like that," Kaylin quickly realized her mistake, "you saw him, it's just that we go to school together and"
Mark waved her hand to stop her. "Don't worry about it. This isn't either of our fault. But listen, honey," he pushed off of the car and stood up straight before her, "they - the people at the clinic - are worried you two are too codependent. Like, you can't separate yourselves. That's not good for his situation."
"Oh," Kaylin looked down at her feet, clad in black combat boots and barely peaking out under the cuff of her jeans. She was wearing a pretty, black sweater to dress up the outfit making it church-worthy, but you couldn't tell it under her thigh-length winter coat. "Um, what are you saying?" She asked carefully.
"Just..." Mark measured his words, he too had been in a toxic relationship and if it wasn't for his need to move because of a job he probably would still be, "try to find a life outside of Nick. I'm not telling you guys to break up, but you need to realize that if you do, it's not the end of the world."
"Oh," Kaylin repeated making a face as if she just smelled something awful. "Well, thanks," she looked him in the eye and layered on the sweetness as she added, "thanks for stopping by."
"Well, there's more," Mark began as he moved to the trunk of his car, "Nick sent this for you," he lifted a large brown paper bag covered in doodles and stapled closed. "Happy Turkey Day, I guess," he laughed.
Kaylin took the present and smiled, "Thanks," she laughed too.
"If all goes well," Mark said folding himself into the drivers' seat of his car, "it's looking like he'll be home by Christmas. So keep your fingers crossed. If I hear anything else I'll let you know," he shut the door but rolled down the window.
Kaylin hugged the bag to her chest, "Same here," she offered and waved him goodbye as he pulled out of his spot along the curb and drove away.
Once inside, Kaylin rushed upstairs to be alone with her gift. She sat on her unmade bed and curled her legs under her. She examined the pen and ink drawings covering the brown paper: he had drawn out their names, intersecting them at the 'i,' there were the logos of their favorite bands, and of course the obligatory hearts and love messages. The top of the bag was folded over twice and stapled awkwardly shut, making the whole present look like an old lunch bag. She was careful to pull open the top, popping each staple's grip. Inside was one of his sweatshirts, a big over-sized green thing that would look like a tent on her petite frame. The shirt was wrapped around something and she unfolded it to reveal a perfectly molded mask of Nick's face. Her eyes filled with tears as her fingers traced the curves of his eyes, his nose, his mouth. She put the mask up to her face and tried to imagine Nick doing the same. She set the mask on the pillow next to her knee and pulled on the sweatshirt. She looked again into the bag and found a carefully folded piece of yellow paper with her name on it.
She laid back on the bed, put the mask on her stomach and read:
"Dear Kay,
Hey babe, what's up? Same old shit here. Meetings, therapy, bad food, same as always. They told me that I'll be home for Christmas, as long as I don't fuck up. We've got chores and a schedule to follow and I've been so careful to do everything they tell me. I miss you so much. I know I tell you that all the time, but I never want you to forget it. I never want you to forget that every minute of every day I'm thinking of you and wanting to be home with you again. I sit through the meetings, the therapy, the programs, and I think of you and pray to God that I haven't destroyed the only thing in my life that has ever really mattered. A lot of the people here think I'm too young to be in real love, but I don't care what they think. This is love. I've had other girlfriends, and I know that this is different. I know what we have is better. We may be young and I may be fucked up, but I can see myself with you for the rest of my life.
How's school going? Tell Stephen that I'll be home in time for training for baseball and tell Alicia to take good care of you while I'm gone. Only a few more weeks.
I love you.
Nick
PS Hope you like the presents. They're as close to my being with you as I could get"
Alicia even braved running into Aaron, and came over in an attempt to offer support to her grieving friend, only to sit on the floor while Kay lay in bed and watch TV in silence. In school, Kaylin saw the pity in the eyes of her classmates and came to realize why her father hated the emotion. She hated the idea of people feeling sorry for her, and she plastered on a smile as best she could. It took no time for the Kaylin McSandsen everyone had known for so long: quiet, dependable, easily ignored to return to everyone's lives.
After the first two weeks of separation, Nick's letters began to pour in. He wrote every day, long rambling letters full of his emotions and daily activities. Kaylin wrote to him every time she received one of his. At first she was careful about her wording, and offered support and encouragement that he was doing the right thing, but it didn't take long before her letter became much like his, full of longing, and sadness at his absence. She told him how alone she felt in the world, how she missed everything about him, how she wore his tee shirts to bed and they smelled so much like him that she would wake up sure that he was laying next to her like he used to. He wrote that at night he was next to her, and the only thing that kept him going during the rough nights was knowing she was going to be there when he was well. He was going to classes, so he would finish high school on time.
Thanksgiving came and went; Nick was still in West Virginia, Aaron McSandsen got work at a plastics plant in a nearby town, and Francis continued his weekly routine of the VFW, mass, and television. Kaylin spent the holiday dinner with her father and grandfather at the VFW like every year. She was thankful this year for finding love and for Nick's promise of recovery.
The Sunday following Thanksgiving the entire family attended mass. It was a solemn event seeign as how Aaron rarely went anymore. As they arrived home, Nick's father was starting to pull out of their driveway.
"Aaron," Mark Ainsworth said, getting out of the car to extend his hand, "how've you been?" the two had known each other since the Ainsworth's moved to town. Mark worked for the union Aaron belonged to and had been the one to notify Aaron of the work opening up in Cedar Creek. "Doing fine. It's good to see you," Aaron shook Mark's hand, genuinely surprised by his visit, "How was your holiday?" he asked politely, tugging at collar of his dress shirt.
"It's was all right. I was in Wheeling, visiting my son," Mark cast Kaylin a look and she defensively put her arms around herself. "I'm actually here to talk to Kay about it. That OK?"
Aaron half turned to look at his daughter, "Yeah, suppose so. Kay?" She stepped forward, "that OK with you?" she nodded and gave both men a smile. "Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to get my father inside and take off this monkey suit," Aaron joked, taking Francis' arm and escorting up the few steps to the house.
Once the storm door snapped shut Mark began, "How've you been, Kay? You doin' all right?" Mark Ainsworth was young and lean for his age. His salt and pepper hair was curly and unruly even though it was trimmed short. He leaned against his car and fiddled with the keys in his jacket pocket.
"I'm good. Well, good as to be expected. How's Nick? He writes that he's ok, but you know, is he really OK?" she stood in front of him, her posture ridiculously stiff compared to his relaxed state.
"Yeah, yeah he's doing good. Real good," his eyes moved away from Kaylin's and stared beyond her at some distant point. He absent-mindedly sucked at his teeth and sighed, "We've been through this before, he and I. His mother was in and out of rehab a lot, so we're pretty used to the drill. I guess I should have seen this coming."
"No you shouldn't have. I didn't. And I saw him a lot more than you did," Kaylin offered, trying to be supportive.
Mark let out a sarcastic laugh, "Yeah. Guess so."
"No, I didn't mean it like that," Kaylin quickly realized her mistake, "you saw him, it's just that we go to school together and"
Mark waved her hand to stop her. "Don't worry about it. This isn't either of our fault. But listen, honey," he pushed off of the car and stood up straight before her, "they - the people at the clinic - are worried you two are too codependent. Like, you can't separate yourselves. That's not good for his situation."
"Oh," Kaylin looked down at her feet, clad in black combat boots and barely peaking out under the cuff of her jeans. She was wearing a pretty, black sweater to dress up the outfit making it church-worthy, but you couldn't tell it under her thigh-length winter coat. "Um, what are you saying?" She asked carefully.
"Just..." Mark measured his words, he too had been in a toxic relationship and if it wasn't for his need to move because of a job he probably would still be, "try to find a life outside of Nick. I'm not telling you guys to break up, but you need to realize that if you do, it's not the end of the world."
"Oh," Kaylin repeated making a face as if she just smelled something awful. "Well, thanks," she looked him in the eye and layered on the sweetness as she added, "thanks for stopping by."
"Well, there's more," Mark began as he moved to the trunk of his car, "Nick sent this for you," he lifted a large brown paper bag covered in doodles and stapled closed. "Happy Turkey Day, I guess," he laughed.
Kaylin took the present and smiled, "Thanks," she laughed too.
"If all goes well," Mark said folding himself into the drivers' seat of his car, "it's looking like he'll be home by Christmas. So keep your fingers crossed. If I hear anything else I'll let you know," he shut the door but rolled down the window.
Kaylin hugged the bag to her chest, "Same here," she offered and waved him goodbye as he pulled out of his spot along the curb and drove away.
Once inside, Kaylin rushed upstairs to be alone with her gift. She sat on her unmade bed and curled her legs under her. She examined the pen and ink drawings covering the brown paper: he had drawn out their names, intersecting them at the 'i,' there were the logos of their favorite bands, and of course the obligatory hearts and love messages. The top of the bag was folded over twice and stapled awkwardly shut, making the whole present look like an old lunch bag. She was careful to pull open the top, popping each staple's grip. Inside was one of his sweatshirts, a big over-sized green thing that would look like a tent on her petite frame. The shirt was wrapped around something and she unfolded it to reveal a perfectly molded mask of Nick's face. Her eyes filled with tears as her fingers traced the curves of his eyes, his nose, his mouth. She put the mask up to her face and tried to imagine Nick doing the same. She set the mask on the pillow next to her knee and pulled on the sweatshirt. She looked again into the bag and found a carefully folded piece of yellow paper with her name on it.
She laid back on the bed, put the mask on her stomach and read:
"Dear Kay,
Hey babe, what's up? Same old shit here. Meetings, therapy, bad food, same as always. They told me that I'll be home for Christmas, as long as I don't fuck up. We've got chores and a schedule to follow and I've been so careful to do everything they tell me. I miss you so much. I know I tell you that all the time, but I never want you to forget it. I never want you to forget that every minute of every day I'm thinking of you and wanting to be home with you again. I sit through the meetings, the therapy, the programs, and I think of you and pray to God that I haven't destroyed the only thing in my life that has ever really mattered. A lot of the people here think I'm too young to be in real love, but I don't care what they think. This is love. I've had other girlfriends, and I know that this is different. I know what we have is better. We may be young and I may be fucked up, but I can see myself with you for the rest of my life.
How's school going? Tell Stephen that I'll be home in time for training for baseball and tell Alicia to take good care of you while I'm gone. Only a few more weeks.
I love you.
Nick
PS Hope you like the presents. They're as close to my being with you as I could get"
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Eleven
Stephen was told to wait in the lobby while a short, bald officer walked Kaylin back through the maze of cubicles to the one where Corporal Jordan was seated. He stood when Kaylin came into view and motioned for her to take one of the two seats opposite his small desk.
“I’ve got it from here, Bob, thanks,” Jordan told the officer escort who smiled down at the seated Kaylin before making his way back to the main lobby. Corporal Jordan smiled at the girl sitting before him, now much more a woman than when they first met a little shy of four years ago when a road weary Jordan had to deliver the news to a young girl that her mother wasn’t coming home. Since that dreary morning Kaylin had grown taller, her hair had gotten longer, and her features had blossomed into a woman’s rather than a girl’s. Although she looked different today than she had that morning, the look on her face was the same: fear, panic, and worry. Again the gruff, 6’4” seasoned officer was taken in by the girl and a feeling of protectiveness came over him.
“How have you been, Kay?” he asked, pushing aside his computer’s keyboard and leaning across the top of his desk.
Kaylin tried to smile, but couldn’t stop her chin from shaking. She quickly looked down at her hands and took in a measured breath to calm herself. She nodded a bit and said quietly, “I’m OK.”
“Good, good,” Jordan said absently standing up and coming around to where Kaylin sat. “C’mon, let’s take a walk,” he said offering Kaylin his hand. She took it and stood up, following him. Jordan was not part of the team that searched the lockers that day, nor had he been assigned to the case; however, upon his arrest Nick refused to say much more than he wanted to talk to Kaylin McSandsen. The arresting officer recognized the name and sent word to Jordan that the girl he had been keeping tabs on the last few years was involved.
Corporal Jordan led Kaylin to the sheriff’s lounge and got her a coke from the vending machine. They sat across from each other in the empty lounge at one of the faux wood tables. Kaylin mumbled a thank you when offered the drink, but kept her eyes down and her shoulders slumped.
“You know about what happened at school earlier?” Jordan asked. Kaylin nodded her head.
“Want to talk about it?” he offered, but Kaylin shook her head.
“Why did you call me?” she asked after gathering up her courage to look the corporal in the eye. She was surprised by what she saw there: sympathy, compassion, worry. She was expecting a cop like on TV, angry and scheming how to get her to reveal information about Nick’s situation.
Jordan leaned back in his seat. “How do you know Nick Ainsworth?” he said in his best cop voice.
“He’s my boyfriend,” she replied quickly, “why?”
“How long have you guys been dating?”
“Since July, why?” she asked again.
Jordan sighed; he was more worried about having to deliver bad news again to this precious girl than he was getting information about the arrested.
“He’s been put on suicide watch,” Jordan began, “I wasn’t there when they brought him in, but he’s in bad shape. He said he needed to talk to you. He even to his father he wouldn’t talk unless he talked to you first. So the search began to find you and that led to me…” he trailed off.
Kaylin nodded but was mute. Her eyes darted away from Corporal Jordan’s; her heart pulled itself into her throat and prevented her from saying anything, from even breathing. Nick was everything to her, he was what protected her from the loneliness that was her life. Nick was her life; without him she would still be the same plain Kaylin that the kids in her classes ignored, whose father ignored her crying, whose world ignored her existence. Nick loved her, and made people pay attention to her; he showed her that she was worth being seen.
“I’m going to sit over here, OK, Kaylin?” Corporal Jordan had stood up and moved to a table at the corner of the room, near the door. At that moment Bob, the officer that had escorted Kaylin, came into the lounge holding the arm of a prisoner whose hands were cuffed in front of him.
“Nick!” Kaylin jumped up, and Bob release his grip on Nick’s arm and went to sit with Jordan. Nick lifted his arms up and Kaylin dipped under them to embrace him. Nick burrowed his head in her shoulder; she could feel him weeping: his chest heaving and his breath hot.
“Kay, baby, oh my God. Kay, I’m so sorry baby, hon,” he was rambling. Kay pulled her body away from his and cupped his face in her hands, shaking her head for him to stop.
“Sweetie, sssh, calm down, I’m here,” she hugged him again. They stood like that for a long time, both of them openly crying.
Kaylin moved his hands over her head, and they sat next to each other on one of benches attached to a table.
“Kaylin, I swear, I’m so sorry. If I loose you,” he choked up and pressed his cheek to hers. “Kaylin, things got so out of control. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t leave me, please.”
Kaylin pressed her hand against the other side of his face and breathed deeply. “I’m not leaving you,” she promised, “but why didn’t you tell me any of this? Nick, what else are you hiding?” He pulled himself away from her and looked her in the eyes.
“Nothing, baby, nothing. I was just getting so tired during the day, and so I…”
Kaylin put her finger to his lips and rested her forehead on his. She recognized hysteria when she saw it, and she needed to calm him down.
“What now?” she wrapped her hands around his that were bound together.
“I got a lawyer. We talked about rehab. I need help baby, but I, I didn’t want to agree to anything. God, Kaylin. I know I let you down, I know, but I love you, I love you so much. And if you, if you didn’t love me anymore, I would understand, but I didn’t want to live. I can’t live without you.”
“We can talk about this later.”
He smiled, a weak, hysterical smile, filled with happiness that there would be a later. His heart was pounding and he was shaking. “OK, OK, later.”
Corporal Jordan allowed the two to talk a few minutes more before indicating that their time was up. Nick kissed Kaylin long and hard before being led away. Once the door clicked shut, Kaylin turned and hugged Corporal Jordan; her head barely reaching his name tag she leaned into him and cried tears of thanks for allowing her to see him, and tears of sadness at the unknown.
“It’s going to be OK. We’ll get him help, he’s a young guy, there’s still a future for him,” the large man smiled down at her and awkwardly patted her hair.
“What do I do now?” she pulled away to pick up a napkin and wipe her face.
“Well, for now you need to keep going to school, doing your thing, and keep yourself happy and healthy,” Corporal Jordan said, “I’ll let you know if anything happens.”
“I’ve got it from here, Bob, thanks,” Jordan told the officer escort who smiled down at the seated Kaylin before making his way back to the main lobby. Corporal Jordan smiled at the girl sitting before him, now much more a woman than when they first met a little shy of four years ago when a road weary Jordan had to deliver the news to a young girl that her mother wasn’t coming home. Since that dreary morning Kaylin had grown taller, her hair had gotten longer, and her features had blossomed into a woman’s rather than a girl’s. Although she looked different today than she had that morning, the look on her face was the same: fear, panic, and worry. Again the gruff, 6’4” seasoned officer was taken in by the girl and a feeling of protectiveness came over him.
“How have you been, Kay?” he asked, pushing aside his computer’s keyboard and leaning across the top of his desk.
Kaylin tried to smile, but couldn’t stop her chin from shaking. She quickly looked down at her hands and took in a measured breath to calm herself. She nodded a bit and said quietly, “I’m OK.”
“Good, good,” Jordan said absently standing up and coming around to where Kaylin sat. “C’mon, let’s take a walk,” he said offering Kaylin his hand. She took it and stood up, following him. Jordan was not part of the team that searched the lockers that day, nor had he been assigned to the case; however, upon his arrest Nick refused to say much more than he wanted to talk to Kaylin McSandsen. The arresting officer recognized the name and sent word to Jordan that the girl he had been keeping tabs on the last few years was involved.
Corporal Jordan led Kaylin to the sheriff’s lounge and got her a coke from the vending machine. They sat across from each other in the empty lounge at one of the faux wood tables. Kaylin mumbled a thank you when offered the drink, but kept her eyes down and her shoulders slumped.
“You know about what happened at school earlier?” Jordan asked. Kaylin nodded her head.
“Want to talk about it?” he offered, but Kaylin shook her head.
“Why did you call me?” she asked after gathering up her courage to look the corporal in the eye. She was surprised by what she saw there: sympathy, compassion, worry. She was expecting a cop like on TV, angry and scheming how to get her to reveal information about Nick’s situation.
Jordan leaned back in his seat. “How do you know Nick Ainsworth?” he said in his best cop voice.
“He’s my boyfriend,” she replied quickly, “why?”
“How long have you guys been dating?”
“Since July, why?” she asked again.
Jordan sighed; he was more worried about having to deliver bad news again to this precious girl than he was getting information about the arrested.
“He’s been put on suicide watch,” Jordan began, “I wasn’t there when they brought him in, but he’s in bad shape. He said he needed to talk to you. He even to his father he wouldn’t talk unless he talked to you first. So the search began to find you and that led to me…” he trailed off.
Kaylin nodded but was mute. Her eyes darted away from Corporal Jordan’s; her heart pulled itself into her throat and prevented her from saying anything, from even breathing. Nick was everything to her, he was what protected her from the loneliness that was her life. Nick was her life; without him she would still be the same plain Kaylin that the kids in her classes ignored, whose father ignored her crying, whose world ignored her existence. Nick loved her, and made people pay attention to her; he showed her that she was worth being seen.
“I’m going to sit over here, OK, Kaylin?” Corporal Jordan had stood up and moved to a table at the corner of the room, near the door. At that moment Bob, the officer that had escorted Kaylin, came into the lounge holding the arm of a prisoner whose hands were cuffed in front of him.
“Nick!” Kaylin jumped up, and Bob release his grip on Nick’s arm and went to sit with Jordan. Nick lifted his arms up and Kaylin dipped under them to embrace him. Nick burrowed his head in her shoulder; she could feel him weeping: his chest heaving and his breath hot.
“Kay, baby, oh my God. Kay, I’m so sorry baby, hon,” he was rambling. Kay pulled her body away from his and cupped his face in her hands, shaking her head for him to stop.
“Sweetie, sssh, calm down, I’m here,” she hugged him again. They stood like that for a long time, both of them openly crying.
Kaylin moved his hands over her head, and they sat next to each other on one of benches attached to a table.
“Kaylin, I swear, I’m so sorry. If I loose you,” he choked up and pressed his cheek to hers. “Kaylin, things got so out of control. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t leave me, please.”
Kaylin pressed her hand against the other side of his face and breathed deeply. “I’m not leaving you,” she promised, “but why didn’t you tell me any of this? Nick, what else are you hiding?” He pulled himself away from her and looked her in the eyes.
“Nothing, baby, nothing. I was just getting so tired during the day, and so I…”
Kaylin put her finger to his lips and rested her forehead on his. She recognized hysteria when she saw it, and she needed to calm him down.
“What now?” she wrapped her hands around his that were bound together.
“I got a lawyer. We talked about rehab. I need help baby, but I, I didn’t want to agree to anything. God, Kaylin. I know I let you down, I know, but I love you, I love you so much. And if you, if you didn’t love me anymore, I would understand, but I didn’t want to live. I can’t live without you.”
“We can talk about this later.”
He smiled, a weak, hysterical smile, filled with happiness that there would be a later. His heart was pounding and he was shaking. “OK, OK, later.”
Corporal Jordan allowed the two to talk a few minutes more before indicating that their time was up. Nick kissed Kaylin long and hard before being led away. Once the door clicked shut, Kaylin turned and hugged Corporal Jordan; her head barely reaching his name tag she leaned into him and cried tears of thanks for allowing her to see him, and tears of sadness at the unknown.
“It’s going to be OK. We’ll get him help, he’s a young guy, there’s still a future for him,” the large man smiled down at her and awkwardly patted her hair.
“What do I do now?” she pulled away to pick up a napkin and wipe her face.
“Well, for now you need to keep going to school, doing your thing, and keep yourself happy and healthy,” Corporal Jordan said, “I’ll let you know if anything happens.”
Monday, May 25, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Ten
Stephen talked while he drove. The police had found a few grams of cocaine in Nick's jacket in his locker; he was arrested immediately. Stephen had class with Nick and saw everything happen. When the principal came in to get Nick, he looked over at Stephen and told him to get Kaylin immediately. She was his first thought: not being arrested, not getting in trouble at school, just Kaylin and what she would think and do.
Kaylin's head was spinning, and she was breathing hard. "This can't be happening. Seriously, Nick doesn't do coke. This is ridiculous." She was talking more to herself than to Stephen whose hands gripped the wheel as he sped up. "Stephen, you've got to be kidding me."
He rolled his head to look at her and gave her a look that made her know he was dead serious. "Kay, you honestly think he doesn't do coke? Really?" he had a doubting tone to his voice. Nick liked to have a good time, and although Stephen had never seen Nick put the straw to his nose, he could definitely picture him doing it. Kaylin was staring out the windshield blankly, her mind too full to process everything it needed to take in; it was like staring into a deep lake and trying to see to the bottom but the motion of the waves, the darkness of the water, the need to blink kept preventing it.
"What do we do now?" was all she could manage to say. Stephen pulled his battered car into her drive and turned to look at her. Her hands were clenching and unclenching the blue fabric of her book bag, her long hair was wind-blown in front of her face, but she didn't bother to brush it away.
"I'm not sure," Stephen began, "but I told him I would get you. Let's go inside and I'll make some calls, see if I can find out anything, OK?" He started to get out the door.
"You're coming in my house?" Kaylin said, slamming the car door, she couldn't remember the last time Stephen Rizzman had been in her house. It must have been when her mother was still alive, because she remembered that she got in trouble for having Alicia and her brother over without asking first. Her mother was known to lock herself in her bedroom for hours, sometimes days, on end.
"Is that OK?" Stephen stopped in his walk to the door.
"Yeah, sure. I just, well," Kaylin smiled in spite of herself, "I was just thinking it's been awhile." Stephen smiled too. Kaylin was just another one of his sisters, she spent the night so much at his house that sometimes he forgot she had another home.
They went inside, and judging from the quiet, no one was home. There was a note on the pad of paper Seanahair kept on the end table next to his armchair that said he had gone to confession and then was going to the VFW for a dinner. Stephen put his book bag on the floor by the door and covered it with his jacket before finding Kaylin in the living room reading the note.
"Everything all right?" he asked, fishing his beeper out of his jeans and checking the display.
"Yeah, my grandfather is gone and my dad's still at work," Kaylin said, setting the paper down. "I'm going upstairs to change, I'll be right back."
"No problem, can I use the phone?" Stephen asked reaching for the cordless. Kaylin nodded her head and dashed up the stairs.
Before she had even entered the doorway, she saw the red light on her machine blinking away. Her small room was dark, and the phone and little machine sat on a small table by her bed. She rushed in and pressed the play button.
"Kay, babe," it was Nick, "I'm OK, don't worry. I'll get this take care of. Please don't be upset, please don't be mad at me. I love you. I'll call you again when I can. Oh my God, Kay, I love you, please don't be mad. OK, I love you, bye." Kaylin was kneeling by the table, holding the answering machine like it was Nick himself.
"STEPHEN!!! STEVE!!!" Kaylin hollered over her shoulder before she heard the next beep.
"Hello, this message is for Kaylin McSandsen. This is Corporal Jordan of the Greenbrier County Sheriff's department. I'm going to need you to stop by the police station when you get this message. If you need a ride, or can't come tonight give me a call back at" the message cut off. Kay shifted around, and sat on her legs; Stephen standing in her doorway, he had heard the whole thing.
"What should I do?" Kay's eyes welled with tears as she looked to Stephen for an answer. Her chin started to shake as she tried to hold back crying. It was all too much.
"C'mere, girl," Stephen went over to her and pulled her up and into his arms for a hug. "It's going to be OK. Listen, we need to head over there though. I called Alicia and she said that that Jordan guy called over there looking for you, too. C'mon," he started to walk with her to the hall. By the time they had walked down the stairs and were in the foyer, Kaylin had gathered herself together, and had pulled away from Stephen's encouraging arm. She looked at herself in the mirror, and wiped a hand across her face to remove the tear streaks.
"Let's go," she said, turning to the door.
Kaylin's head was spinning, and she was breathing hard. "This can't be happening. Seriously, Nick doesn't do coke. This is ridiculous." She was talking more to herself than to Stephen whose hands gripped the wheel as he sped up. "Stephen, you've got to be kidding me."
He rolled his head to look at her and gave her a look that made her know he was dead serious. "Kay, you honestly think he doesn't do coke? Really?" he had a doubting tone to his voice. Nick liked to have a good time, and although Stephen had never seen Nick put the straw to his nose, he could definitely picture him doing it. Kaylin was staring out the windshield blankly, her mind too full to process everything it needed to take in; it was like staring into a deep lake and trying to see to the bottom but the motion of the waves, the darkness of the water, the need to blink kept preventing it.
"What do we do now?" was all she could manage to say. Stephen pulled his battered car into her drive and turned to look at her. Her hands were clenching and unclenching the blue fabric of her book bag, her long hair was wind-blown in front of her face, but she didn't bother to brush it away.
"I'm not sure," Stephen began, "but I told him I would get you. Let's go inside and I'll make some calls, see if I can find out anything, OK?" He started to get out the door.
"You're coming in my house?" Kaylin said, slamming the car door, she couldn't remember the last time Stephen Rizzman had been in her house. It must have been when her mother was still alive, because she remembered that she got in trouble for having Alicia and her brother over without asking first. Her mother was known to lock herself in her bedroom for hours, sometimes days, on end.
"Is that OK?" Stephen stopped in his walk to the door.
"Yeah, sure. I just, well," Kaylin smiled in spite of herself, "I was just thinking it's been awhile." Stephen smiled too. Kaylin was just another one of his sisters, she spent the night so much at his house that sometimes he forgot she had another home.
They went inside, and judging from the quiet, no one was home. There was a note on the pad of paper Seanahair kept on the end table next to his armchair that said he had gone to confession and then was going to the VFW for a dinner. Stephen put his book bag on the floor by the door and covered it with his jacket before finding Kaylin in the living room reading the note.
"Everything all right?" he asked, fishing his beeper out of his jeans and checking the display.
"Yeah, my grandfather is gone and my dad's still at work," Kaylin said, setting the paper down. "I'm going upstairs to change, I'll be right back."
"No problem, can I use the phone?" Stephen asked reaching for the cordless. Kaylin nodded her head and dashed up the stairs.
Before she had even entered the doorway, she saw the red light on her machine blinking away. Her small room was dark, and the phone and little machine sat on a small table by her bed. She rushed in and pressed the play button.
"Kay, babe," it was Nick, "I'm OK, don't worry. I'll get this take care of. Please don't be upset, please don't be mad at me. I love you. I'll call you again when I can. Oh my God, Kay, I love you, please don't be mad. OK, I love you, bye." Kaylin was kneeling by the table, holding the answering machine like it was Nick himself.
"STEPHEN!!! STEVE!!!" Kaylin hollered over her shoulder before she heard the next beep.
"Hello, this message is for Kaylin McSandsen. This is Corporal Jordan of the Greenbrier County Sheriff's department. I'm going to need you to stop by the police station when you get this message. If you need a ride, or can't come tonight give me a call back at" the message cut off. Kay shifted around, and sat on her legs; Stephen standing in her doorway, he had heard the whole thing.
"What should I do?" Kay's eyes welled with tears as she looked to Stephen for an answer. Her chin started to shake as she tried to hold back crying. It was all too much.
"C'mere, girl," Stephen went over to her and pulled her up and into his arms for a hug. "It's going to be OK. Listen, we need to head over there though. I called Alicia and she said that that Jordan guy called over there looking for you, too. C'mon," he started to walk with her to the hall. By the time they had walked down the stairs and were in the foyer, Kaylin had gathered herself together, and had pulled away from Stephen's encouraging arm. She looked at herself in the mirror, and wiped a hand across her face to remove the tear streaks.
"Let's go," she said, turning to the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The drive to the county sheriff's department was a long one, but Stephen made quick work of it. Kaylin spent the ride letting her eyes drift over the blur of scenery as it passed. Her mind was taking in the reality of what had happened. She loved Nick with everything that she was. Never in her life had anyone treated her like she was something important, something other than ordinary. Her mother's love and affection was the moon: waxing and waning regularly, and her father was sun: distant and harsh, and able to burn if you didn't protect yourself. Seanahair had tried, God love him, in his own way to let her know he cared, but he was older, and his ideas of parental love came from a world that she would only read about.
But Nick, this gorgeous boy that the fates had put in her life; Nick spent everyday telling her how much he loved her, how he adored her. He was the bright light that she clung to in the darkness that was her world. Without ever asking for anything, he settled in her life like a fixture that was and always would be there. He helped her on seanahair's bad days, he brought her to parties where only the beautiful people went and made sure she saw that his eyes never left her. He would wait outside her window if he heard her father screaming while they were on the phone.
Her mind went to the nights they spent together, entwined in each other's embrace. There were nights he would lay beside her, content to just hold her in his arms rather than feel her under him. But of course she had given herself to him, and that first time without having to be told, his touch was gentle and caressing, his movements slow and paced. Every time since he acted like he had never seen her naked before, and was astonished at the beauty of every inch of her. His soft murmurings after made her relax into a peaceful bliss that she never knew existed. Remembering those private times was like embracing herself in Nick now that she felt alone and scared.
Stephen slowed the car down as they approached the stretch of highway that would lead them to the sheriff's department. "Kay," he said measuring his words, "if they tell you it's true, that he did have coke on him," he looked over to her, she hadn't shifted her gaze from the window and, except for her close proximity, he wasn't even sure she was hearing him, "if it's true they probably want to question you and what you knew about it. I'm not going to tell you to lie, Kay, but you need to be prepared for whatever they might ask you, you know? Remember, don't believe anything they tell you, it's like on TV, they'll say anything to get you to talk." He looked over to her again, she had bit her bottom lip and looked down, tears spilling from her eyes. "You understand what I'm sayin' right?" He reached over and put his hand on her knee, shaking it a bit. She nodded, and wiped her eyes again.
"I have no idea what's about to happen," Stephen mumbled, the feelings of someone he cared for hurting and not being able to help her rattled him. Stephen Rizzman had known Kaylin since she was a toddler running around his living room with Alicia while his mother looked on. She was as much a sister to him as his blood kin, and now he was more worried about the way she was acting than whatever trouble Nick was in. Kaylin McSandsen was always level headed and calm, but the girl who sat beside him now was a barely a shadow of that; she was shaking and crying, and there was panic in her voice.
They both stepped out of the now parked car, and Kaylin paused gathering her thoughts, looking at the squat brick building and readying herself for whatever was about to happen. The wind had a chill that warned of frost that night, and a feeling of loss tied itself to her stomach again.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Nine
As time went on, Kaylin's life took a drastic shift. The plant had closed, and her father had been asked to stay on to 'close up shop.' In a move praised by every person in the community, Aaron declined the offer and chose instead to leave with his coworkers. The community banded together when things like repo men started to descend upon them to collect cars and families left the area in droves, leaving quite a few of the homes vacant and subject to vandalism.
Kaylin and Nick returned to school, and Kaylin was introduced to the teenage nightlife of Riversedge. There were parties after football games, all night 'keggers' at the homes of kids whose parents were away, and even throngs of teenagers crowded into the abandoned warehouse for dancing and booze. Alicia was thrilled that Kaylin had abandoned her days of being leary to go out and made her shimmy into her party clothes and makeup. Suddenly Kaylin McSandsen was more than just the girl in class, she was Nick Ainsworth's girlfriend, and she was gorgeous.
Nick enjoyed the parties, maybe a little too much. He would drink and smoke whatever was available, from whomever offered it. There were early mornings when Kaylin sat with him as he threw up in bushes, or reeled from too much of something. But he would always show is devotion to her. Their relationship had none of the high school dramatics of he said, she said. They eased into each other's lives as if they had always been there.
The scar behind Kaylin's ear was the only memory that lingered of that first night together. Aaron, although considerably more sober, went back to being distant and gone most of the time. Francis' condition remained, his hacking and aches growing more persistant each day. But winter was coming with its cold, long nights and constant reminders of the night her mother died, and the day they put her in the ground.
Over the months, Kaylin became aware of a truth she tried to ignore: Nick had a problem. His moods were not stable and his reactions uncertain. She loved him; the way he made her feel beautiful with only a look, the feeling of protection she was overwhelmed with whenever he was near. But even Alicia had begun to worry that Nick's drug use was more than just recreational. Kay kept to herself the baggie of random pills she found in his jacket pocket one night when she got cold in French class, but Alicia couldn't keep silent when rumors began to fill the school halls that quiet Kaylin that everyone had known their entire lives was dating a coke head.
Kaylin and Nick returned to school, and Kaylin was introduced to the teenage nightlife of Riversedge. There were parties after football games, all night 'keggers' at the homes of kids whose parents were away, and even throngs of teenagers crowded into the abandoned warehouse for dancing and booze. Alicia was thrilled that Kaylin had abandoned her days of being leary to go out and made her shimmy into her party clothes and makeup. Suddenly Kaylin McSandsen was more than just the girl in class, she was Nick Ainsworth's girlfriend, and she was gorgeous.
Nick enjoyed the parties, maybe a little too much. He would drink and smoke whatever was available, from whomever offered it. There were early mornings when Kaylin sat with him as he threw up in bushes, or reeled from too much of something. But he would always show is devotion to her. Their relationship had none of the high school dramatics of he said, she said. They eased into each other's lives as if they had always been there.
The scar behind Kaylin's ear was the only memory that lingered of that first night together. Aaron, although considerably more sober, went back to being distant and gone most of the time. Francis' condition remained, his hacking and aches growing more persistant each day. But winter was coming with its cold, long nights and constant reminders of the night her mother died, and the day they put her in the ground.
Over the months, Kaylin became aware of a truth she tried to ignore: Nick had a problem. His moods were not stable and his reactions uncertain. She loved him; the way he made her feel beautiful with only a look, the feeling of protection she was overwhelmed with whenever he was near. But even Alicia had begun to worry that Nick's drug use was more than just recreational. Kay kept to herself the baggie of random pills she found in his jacket pocket one night when she got cold in French class, but Alicia couldn't keep silent when rumors began to fill the school halls that quiet Kaylin that everyone had known their entire lives was dating a coke head.
Part Two: Chapter Eight
The world changed forever that night. In the harsh light of the next afternoon, the local papers held the headlines that the factory was closing. Nick's father had been in Columbus trying to prevent it, and Kaylin's father had been drinking trying to deny it.
Nick stayed with Kaylin all day at her house helping her clean and care for Francis whose wheezing was getting progressively worse. Kaylin found she couldn't hide the black, mucous from Nick's eyes, but he never complained. Francis brushed his fingers along the bruise on Kaylin's face and turned her head to look at the scabbed over gash behind her ear. No one said a word, but Francis moved his eyes to Nick whose eyes held the anger of the previous night, and he understood. Francis knew his son's faults and had heard the argument, heard the sound of his granddaughter being hit, but his belief not to intervene held him at bay. It wasn't until he saw the damage to her face, saw the heat in this boy's face, that he realized something had to be done. Francis smiled at Nick, and put his hand on the boy's shoulder as he walked by.
This day, nestled in the house was like a bubble, shutting out the reality of the outside world. They all knew that eventually Aaron would come home, the truth of the factory closing would hit both their households, the summer would come to a close, but for this one day, they acted like a family, the dying old man, the bruised girl, and the boy who loved her.
As the day wore on, Francis napped, and Kaylin took Nick upstairs. She could hear the old man's breathing machine click and beep, so she knew he was sound asleep. It was then that Kaylin showed Nick how much she loved him, and with stifled pleasure they gave themselves to each other for the first time.
"Dad," Aaron said, seeing the old man approach from the kitchen, "everything OK?" Francis, never one to speak much, took his grown son's arm and led him outside out of earshot of the two teenagers preparing dinner only a few feet away.
The dinner was a quiet one, with Francis' coughing the only sound to be heard other than the familiar clinking of the dinner wear. Francis and Aaron had been gone a long time, and when Francis returned, he took his seat in silence. Nick and Kaylin had been sitting in the kitchen waiting for their return and took this as a sign to start dinner. Francis was seventy and every bit the gruff stereotype of a former coal miner, he spoke very little and his few actions were measured and part of a strict routine: it was no use asking him about his conversation. As the table was arranged, Aaron came in and joined them, looking humbled and getting a glass of whiskey from the cabinet. He seated himself not at the head of the table, but across from Nick who sat next to Kaylin along the wall.
The hailstorm that they expected from Aaron never came; his thoughts were elsewhere. His father had chided him like when he was younger and minced no words telling him that he was earning the respect of his friends, but loosing the respect of his family and his God. Aaron's mind was aching from his inevitable job loss, his intervention with his father, and the pain in his daughter's eyes whenever she looked at him. At some point she had become a woman. She had gone from a chubby little girl with ringlets who always hugged him when he came home, no matter how late, no matter what he must have smelled like (grease, booze, smoke), to a woman with all the attributes he had once loved in her mother. At thirty-six, his life had slipped away from him before he had a chance to realize it. He stared at the glass of whiskey he sipped from and then looked to the boy seated across from him who was chewing slowly, taking in the man.
Without a word, Aaron finished his dinner, stood up and went to his room.
Nick stayed with Kaylin all day at her house helping her clean and care for Francis whose wheezing was getting progressively worse. Kaylin found she couldn't hide the black, mucous from Nick's eyes, but he never complained. Francis brushed his fingers along the bruise on Kaylin's face and turned her head to look at the scabbed over gash behind her ear. No one said a word, but Francis moved his eyes to Nick whose eyes held the anger of the previous night, and he understood. Francis knew his son's faults and had heard the argument, heard the sound of his granddaughter being hit, but his belief not to intervene held him at bay. It wasn't until he saw the damage to her face, saw the heat in this boy's face, that he realized something had to be done. Francis smiled at Nick, and put his hand on the boy's shoulder as he walked by.
This day, nestled in the house was like a bubble, shutting out the reality of the outside world. They all knew that eventually Aaron would come home, the truth of the factory closing would hit both their households, the summer would come to a close, but for this one day, they acted like a family, the dying old man, the bruised girl, and the boy who loved her.
As the day wore on, Francis napped, and Kaylin took Nick upstairs. She could hear the old man's breathing machine click and beep, so she knew he was sound asleep. It was then that Kaylin showed Nick how much she loved him, and with stifled pleasure they gave themselves to each other for the first time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaylin was browning meat for Hamburger Helper, and Nick sat at the table playing Gin with Francis when the screen door was heard. They all looked around, and Francis started for the foyer, waving Kaylin and Nick to remain. "Dad," Aaron said, seeing the old man approach from the kitchen, "everything OK?" Francis, never one to speak much, took his grown son's arm and led him outside out of earshot of the two teenagers preparing dinner only a few feet away.
The dinner was a quiet one, with Francis' coughing the only sound to be heard other than the familiar clinking of the dinner wear. Francis and Aaron had been gone a long time, and when Francis returned, he took his seat in silence. Nick and Kaylin had been sitting in the kitchen waiting for their return and took this as a sign to start dinner. Francis was seventy and every bit the gruff stereotype of a former coal miner, he spoke very little and his few actions were measured and part of a strict routine: it was no use asking him about his conversation. As the table was arranged, Aaron came in and joined them, looking humbled and getting a glass of whiskey from the cabinet. He seated himself not at the head of the table, but across from Nick who sat next to Kaylin along the wall.
The hailstorm that they expected from Aaron never came; his thoughts were elsewhere. His father had chided him like when he was younger and minced no words telling him that he was earning the respect of his friends, but loosing the respect of his family and his God. Aaron's mind was aching from his inevitable job loss, his intervention with his father, and the pain in his daughter's eyes whenever she looked at him. At some point she had become a woman. She had gone from a chubby little girl with ringlets who always hugged him when he came home, no matter how late, no matter what he must have smelled like (grease, booze, smoke), to a woman with all the attributes he had once loved in her mother. At thirty-six, his life had slipped away from him before he had a chance to realize it. He stared at the glass of whiskey he sipped from and then looked to the boy seated across from him who was chewing slowly, taking in the man.
Without a word, Aaron finished his dinner, stood up and went to his room.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Seven
Morning came and immediately Kaylin knew there was something wrong. Nick was out of bed and aggitated, he had a nervous energy about him. She began to panic that he was afraid that he regretted his actions of that night. While he flitted about his room, Kaylin quietly straightened herself and tried to slink out his door.
"Kay, where are you going?" Nick was alarmed that she was up and her first thought was to leave. He smile quickly and shifted his weight from foot to foot.
"I thought I'd go home now, you've done enough and I don't want to overstay," she looked down and bit her lip, her hands were tugging at her shirt absent-mindedly.
"Oh Kaylin," Nick said, suddenly aware of how she was feeling. He pulled her to him and hugged her hard and sat with her on his bed. "Babe, I know what you're thinking and stop it. It's just," he looked over her head, but his arm remained around her shoulders before finally letting out a large breath of air and leaning forward, "It's not what you're thinking, God, it's anything but that. It's that I take these pills, to help me sleep and I didn't have any last night, but I didn't want to leave you for a minute, so my body is just reacting."
"Oh," she wasn't expecting to hear that.
"Listen, why don't you get a shower? My dad's away until Thursday, so we're pretty much alone. Get yourself cleaned up and I'll get something for this," he showed Kaylin his shaking hand.
"Are you sure? I can just go home," she began.
"No. I'm sure there are going to consequences for my actions, and we're going to face them together." His self-confidence was waining in light of his situation, so Kaylin agreed a shower would be a good idea. He gave her a towel and one of his shirts to wear, and promised to be good, but added a sly, "this time" and wagged his eyebrows.
It was evident from the state of the bathroom that only men lived here. It wasn't messy so much as just not clean. She turned the water on as hot as she could take it and let the water wash away her feelings of lonliness and worry. She was determined that she would get through what happened, her father might not even remember it. The water stung when it rained down on where she had been cut, and getting the knots out of her hair with only 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner was a nightmare, but the soap smelled like Nick and she scrubbed her entire body with it, drinking in the scent.
She came back to his room, and he was spread out on his bed obviously much more relaxed. A quick glance at the clock told her she had only been away twenty minutes. "Nick? Everything OK?" she said, "How did you get to a drug store that fast?"
"Ah," Nick sat up, avoiding her eyes. He thought she had understood when he told her he needed something to calm down, he wasn't expecting her to think it was a prescription. He looked to his dresser where bottles of pills of all kinds were stashed. He looked up to where she stood before him: hair loose and wet around her face and down her shoulders, his tee shirt hanging damp around her body, and her eyes questioning and so naive. "I found some," was all he could say, not ready to lie to her, but not ready to tell her everything, yet. He justified his statement by thinking that soon she would know everything about him, he was willing to share everything with her, but he didn't want to burden her anymore today.
"Listen, babe, it's still early. Let's sleep somemore and then we'll deal with your dad when we're both more well rested," he pulled her hands to him and hugged her, his head resting on her stomach. "I'm so sorry about earlier. I do love you, and sleeping with you next to me was how I wish every night could be. I know we've only been dating a few weeks, but I really feel this babe." He was looking up to her, his eyes pleading with her. She was running her fingers through his hair and taking in every word he was saying. They were young, true, but she couldn't deny that she loved him, too.
They crawled back into bed and she snuggled into the crook of his shoulder as he lay on his back. "Nick," she said, "I love you, too."
"Kay, where are you going?" Nick was alarmed that she was up and her first thought was to leave. He smile quickly and shifted his weight from foot to foot.
"I thought I'd go home now, you've done enough and I don't want to overstay," she looked down and bit her lip, her hands were tugging at her shirt absent-mindedly.
"Oh Kaylin," Nick said, suddenly aware of how she was feeling. He pulled her to him and hugged her hard and sat with her on his bed. "Babe, I know what you're thinking and stop it. It's just," he looked over her head, but his arm remained around her shoulders before finally letting out a large breath of air and leaning forward, "It's not what you're thinking, God, it's anything but that. It's that I take these pills, to help me sleep and I didn't have any last night, but I didn't want to leave you for a minute, so my body is just reacting."
"Oh," she wasn't expecting to hear that.
"Listen, why don't you get a shower? My dad's away until Thursday, so we're pretty much alone. Get yourself cleaned up and I'll get something for this," he showed Kaylin his shaking hand.
"Are you sure? I can just go home," she began.
"No. I'm sure there are going to consequences for my actions, and we're going to face them together." His self-confidence was waining in light of his situation, so Kaylin agreed a shower would be a good idea. He gave her a towel and one of his shirts to wear, and promised to be good, but added a sly, "this time" and wagged his eyebrows.
It was evident from the state of the bathroom that only men lived here. It wasn't messy so much as just not clean. She turned the water on as hot as she could take it and let the water wash away her feelings of lonliness and worry. She was determined that she would get through what happened, her father might not even remember it. The water stung when it rained down on where she had been cut, and getting the knots out of her hair with only 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner was a nightmare, but the soap smelled like Nick and she scrubbed her entire body with it, drinking in the scent.
She came back to his room, and he was spread out on his bed obviously much more relaxed. A quick glance at the clock told her she had only been away twenty minutes. "Nick? Everything OK?" she said, "How did you get to a drug store that fast?"
"Ah," Nick sat up, avoiding her eyes. He thought she had understood when he told her he needed something to calm down, he wasn't expecting her to think it was a prescription. He looked to his dresser where bottles of pills of all kinds were stashed. He looked up to where she stood before him: hair loose and wet around her face and down her shoulders, his tee shirt hanging damp around her body, and her eyes questioning and so naive. "I found some," was all he could say, not ready to lie to her, but not ready to tell her everything, yet. He justified his statement by thinking that soon she would know everything about him, he was willing to share everything with her, but he didn't want to burden her anymore today.
"Listen, babe, it's still early. Let's sleep somemore and then we'll deal with your dad when we're both more well rested," he pulled her hands to him and hugged her, his head resting on her stomach. "I'm so sorry about earlier. I do love you, and sleeping with you next to me was how I wish every night could be. I know we've only been dating a few weeks, but I really feel this babe." He was looking up to her, his eyes pleading with her. She was running her fingers through his hair and taking in every word he was saying. They were young, true, but she couldn't deny that she loved him, too.
They crawled back into bed and she snuggled into the crook of his shoulder as he lay on his back. "Nick," she said, "I love you, too."
Part Two: Chapter Six
And that is how the rest of the summer went: Nick would come to Kaylin’s house daily, sometimes early enough to sit and play cards with Seanathair before the old man went to watch his nightly shows. Before leaving her at her door, Nick always told her that he loved her. He never said it too often, or at odd times, but nightly before he kissed her goodbye. Kaylin had given up arguing with him about it, instead she would smile and kiss him again, or just smile and walk away. He had told her he didn’t expect her to say it back yet, but she would in time; his self-confidence never wavering.
One night, a week before the first day of school, Nick sat with Kaylin on the stoop of her house talking about school, classes, and nothing in particular when a car veered to a stop in front of the house and her father staggered out. Nick had never met Aaron, and had only heard about him in snippets from either Kaylin or Stephen. The way the man walked and carried himself up the drive Nick knew immediately who it was.
“You,” Aaron began halfway up the asphalt driveway. It came as more of a growl than a word, “so you’re the boy Kaylin’s been…what do the kids call it these days?...”
“Dating,” Nick finished for him rising to his feet, “I’m the boy that is dating Kaylin.” Nick stood up, not sure what to do next, this was a tense situation, her father was obviously drunk.
“Really? In my day we just called it fucking,” Aaron retorted and continued his walk to the house.
“No, I wouldn’t call it that, sir,” Nick answered angrily.
“Hrmph,” was all Aaron said back. He was close now, and shoved Kaylin out of his way to get to the front door.
“Nice to meet you,” Nick tried pulling Kaylin up. “If it’s all right with you, we’ll be going.”
Aaron slowly turned around, his hand on the latch of the screen door. “Actually, it’s not all right with me. I don’t take lightly my daughter running all over hell’s half acre in the middle of the night with some kid. Is this what you do now, Kaylin? Is this what you do while I work? Who’s taking care of seanathair?” He grabbed her elbow and began to pull her inside.
Kaylin jerked her arm away. “Certainly not you,” she snapped. Aaron stared at her in disbelief for a fleeting moment before his eyes turned to stone. He dropped his hand to his side and in a quick motion threw it back up and backhanded her. She went reeling down the two steps and sat on the concrete, holding her face. Through eyes hazy with tears, Kaylin saw Nick grab her father’s arm and shove him against the aluminum screen door. Aaron pushed Nick back, turned to open the door and disappeared inside the house.
Without another word, Nick turned to help Kaylin to her feet. She pulled away from him when he went to hug her, but nodded at his suggestion to go to his house. They walked the few blocks to the only apartment building in Riversedge: a utilitarian style square of brick that faced a small courtyard that had seen better days. The apartments inside were pleasant, but the occupants were either single parents or retirees. Nick’s home life was the former: Nick’s father worked for the union and relocated to Ohio after he and Nick’s mother divorced.
Not a word was spoken as Nick silently escorted Kaylin into the darkened apartment and over to his room. He led her in and shut the door quietly behind him. Nick stood in front of her, and for the first time since yelling at her father, spoke quietly, “Let me see your face.” He reached behind her to a lamp on his bedside table and snapped it on. Before he was even standing back fully, he could see the damage to her face. The hit had not landed evenly on her cheekbone as it was probably intended, but had caught her on her neck, under her ear leaving a bruise that stretched from her jaw line up to the ridge of her eye. There was a gash on the swath of skin behind her ear where a ring must have torn the soft skin like paper; the bleeding had stopped, but its maroon streaks had dried along her neck and matted a lock of her hair.
Nick put both hands behind Kaylin’s neck and cradled her head in his palms, gently brushing away the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. His azure eyes burned looking down at her, angry at the mutilation of her beautiful features, and his own inability to have stopped it. There were hundreds of questions he wanted to ask her, but this wasn’t the time. Instead he moved to lay on his bed and without saying a word she lay beside him. Nick pressed his back against the wall and tucked Kaylin in beside him, her back to his chest, her head resting on his arm. He pulled her as close to him as possible and they wove their legs together. He loved her, more sure of it now than ever before.
It was then, when Kaylin felt finally safe wrapped in Nick’s arms, the heat from his body washing over her, that she allowed herself to process the events of that night. Everything happened so quickly that most of it didn’t have time to register. Her father who barely knew how old she was, whose affection she had tried her entire life to earn, had all but called her a whore. Her father’s words and actions tonight confirmed what she had for years been trying to suppress: he didn’t see her as a daughter; she was the caretaker of his father and a constant reminder of the woman who had become his wife.
Nick’s pull on her made her leave her thoughts and take in what was happening now. He was hugging her to him, and she was crying, her body shaking with sobs and her breath held from years of practice in knowing how to cry silently. Maybe she did love Nick, she was at her happiest with him near and his touch no matter how insignificant made her knees weak. It was a feeling she had never known before and didn’t easily recognize. They hadn't even been dating two months, and he had defended her against the brick wall that was her father. Maybe it was love. The exhaustion of the night's events, coupled with this new swirl of emotions was made Kaylin drift into sleep between catching her breaths and adjusting to the idea that she was loved.
One night, a week before the first day of school, Nick sat with Kaylin on the stoop of her house talking about school, classes, and nothing in particular when a car veered to a stop in front of the house and her father staggered out. Nick had never met Aaron, and had only heard about him in snippets from either Kaylin or Stephen. The way the man walked and carried himself up the drive Nick knew immediately who it was.
“You,” Aaron began halfway up the asphalt driveway. It came as more of a growl than a word, “so you’re the boy Kaylin’s been…what do the kids call it these days?...”
“Dating,” Nick finished for him rising to his feet, “I’m the boy that is dating Kaylin.” Nick stood up, not sure what to do next, this was a tense situation, her father was obviously drunk.
“Really? In my day we just called it fucking,” Aaron retorted and continued his walk to the house.
“No, I wouldn’t call it that, sir,” Nick answered angrily.
“Hrmph,” was all Aaron said back. He was close now, and shoved Kaylin out of his way to get to the front door.
“Nice to meet you,” Nick tried pulling Kaylin up. “If it’s all right with you, we’ll be going.”
Aaron slowly turned around, his hand on the latch of the screen door. “Actually, it’s not all right with me. I don’t take lightly my daughter running all over hell’s half acre in the middle of the night with some kid. Is this what you do now, Kaylin? Is this what you do while I work? Who’s taking care of seanathair?” He grabbed her elbow and began to pull her inside.
Kaylin jerked her arm away. “Certainly not you,” she snapped. Aaron stared at her in disbelief for a fleeting moment before his eyes turned to stone. He dropped his hand to his side and in a quick motion threw it back up and backhanded her. She went reeling down the two steps and sat on the concrete, holding her face. Through eyes hazy with tears, Kaylin saw Nick grab her father’s arm and shove him against the aluminum screen door. Aaron pushed Nick back, turned to open the door and disappeared inside the house.
Without another word, Nick turned to help Kaylin to her feet. She pulled away from him when he went to hug her, but nodded at his suggestion to go to his house. They walked the few blocks to the only apartment building in Riversedge: a utilitarian style square of brick that faced a small courtyard that had seen better days. The apartments inside were pleasant, but the occupants were either single parents or retirees. Nick’s home life was the former: Nick’s father worked for the union and relocated to Ohio after he and Nick’s mother divorced.
Not a word was spoken as Nick silently escorted Kaylin into the darkened apartment and over to his room. He led her in and shut the door quietly behind him. Nick stood in front of her, and for the first time since yelling at her father, spoke quietly, “Let me see your face.” He reached behind her to a lamp on his bedside table and snapped it on. Before he was even standing back fully, he could see the damage to her face. The hit had not landed evenly on her cheekbone as it was probably intended, but had caught her on her neck, under her ear leaving a bruise that stretched from her jaw line up to the ridge of her eye. There was a gash on the swath of skin behind her ear where a ring must have torn the soft skin like paper; the bleeding had stopped, but its maroon streaks had dried along her neck and matted a lock of her hair.
Nick put both hands behind Kaylin’s neck and cradled her head in his palms, gently brushing away the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. His azure eyes burned looking down at her, angry at the mutilation of her beautiful features, and his own inability to have stopped it. There were hundreds of questions he wanted to ask her, but this wasn’t the time. Instead he moved to lay on his bed and without saying a word she lay beside him. Nick pressed his back against the wall and tucked Kaylin in beside him, her back to his chest, her head resting on his arm. He pulled her as close to him as possible and they wove their legs together. He loved her, more sure of it now than ever before.
It was then, when Kaylin felt finally safe wrapped in Nick’s arms, the heat from his body washing over her, that she allowed herself to process the events of that night. Everything happened so quickly that most of it didn’t have time to register. Her father who barely knew how old she was, whose affection she had tried her entire life to earn, had all but called her a whore. Her father’s words and actions tonight confirmed what she had for years been trying to suppress: he didn’t see her as a daughter; she was the caretaker of his father and a constant reminder of the woman who had become his wife.
Nick’s pull on her made her leave her thoughts and take in what was happening now. He was hugging her to him, and she was crying, her body shaking with sobs and her breath held from years of practice in knowing how to cry silently. Maybe she did love Nick, she was at her happiest with him near and his touch no matter how insignificant made her knees weak. It was a feeling she had never known before and didn’t easily recognize. They hadn't even been dating two months, and he had defended her against the brick wall that was her father. Maybe it was love. The exhaustion of the night's events, coupled with this new swirl of emotions was made Kaylin drift into sleep between catching her breaths and adjusting to the idea that she was loved.
Part Two: Chapter Five
Their dinner was fun and relaxed; Kaylin was thoroughly amused at Nick’s fascination with the diner stereotype as he insisted on ordering the special and then two slices of pie. He refused her offer to sit in the smoking section because it wasn’t fair to her. He was full of questions: her favorite music, her favorite TV shows, and her family. She answered as honestly as she knew how since no one really asked her those things. Nick’s constant smile faded only when she told him about her mother, and her ailing Grandfather. In a bold move, he reached over and took her hand.
“I’m sorry I pried,” he said, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand gently, “I ask too many questions when I get nervous; I’m sorry.” Kaylin looked down, embarrassed – he was nervous?
“You’ve got to have some of this pie, it’s amazing,” he announced, changing the subject.
Kaylin smiled at his attempt to soothe her and reached over with her fork to snag a bite. Nick gave her a mock-shocked face, but smiled at her ease with him. Stephen, Alicia’s brother, had introduced him to a few other girls in the area pretty early on; each girl acted so enthralled by him and were way to forward for his liking. He realized that he was the ‘new kid in town’ and the attention showered on him would wane with time. Sure, the attention of the local girls was flattering, but they acted ditsy or were unabashedly flirtatious – both moves that did more to make him want to leave quickly rather than enjoy their company. But not Kaylin; she didn’t act like he was anything special and didn’t put on airs like she was either: she acted like herself and he adored her already.
They wrapped up their dinner, and Nick quickly paid the bill, refusing to even deign himself to hearing her protests. While at the counter to pay, Kaylin noticed that his wallet was on a chain that connected to his belt loop, so she yanked on it as she passed him making the wallet flip out of his hand. Nick gave her a “hey!” but laughed and continued through the transaction.
Kaylin skipped down the few stone steps of the entrance to the diner and waited for Nick. She was pretending to read the headlines of the local papers resting in the vending machines out front when she felt a tug on one of her braids.
“All right, Pippy Longstocking, where to next?” Nick said dodging her as she turned around to push him. He grabbed hold of her hand and she momentarily lost her balance, regaining her footing only a few inches from him.
Any thought Kaylin might have had that Nick just wanted to be friends, any feeling that he was going to be like a big brother – as Stephen was – flew away the instant his skin touched hers in that moment. The laughing smile on her face softened as she stared into the deep sapphires that were his eyes. Her heart raced, sending her blood and what felt like electricity through her veins. Nick moved her hand to his waist and reached up to her neck with his free hand, inching her face even closer to his.
Kaylin had never been kissed before, but her instincts took over and she reached up on her toes and leaned in to him. This might have been her first kiss, but she was damn sure that it was a good one. The air around them crackled and her mind went blank of everything except for this perfect moment.
The next hour Kaylin took Nick to the park, and they took turns on the one working swing. It was officially dark, and some of the older teenagers were sneaking into the wooded areas around the playground for secret parties, rendezvous, and to nip from their parents’ beer collection. Everyone nodded a hello to Kaylin, and some stopped to be introduced to Nick after inquiring why she was out so late. No one seemed bothered that they were seen by her, and no one seemed too worried about her well-being with this relative stranger in town. She was regarded as trust-worthy and able to take care of herself, Nick surmised.
As they walked, Nick held her hand and would look over to her as she talked, telling him about the area that used to be a fountain, but was now just a raised area of dirt, or the place where someone once found a human hand in the bushes. She showed him the scar on her left knee, and pointed out where Sean Rizzman had pushed her and Alicia off the jungle gym during a fierce boy/girl war when she was in the third grade. Twice he stopped to kiss her again, and twice her world tilted and she grew dizzy from the affection.
They wound their way through the streets of Riversedge, Kaylin showing him little landmarks and memories, Nick taking it all in and still holding her hand. Finally they arrived at the dark green duplex that was her house.
“Well, this is where I live. I guess I should get going it’s probably pretty late,” she motioned to
the door and surveyed the windows to see if Seanathair was still awake. The house was dark except for the porch light that illuminated the few feet of a concrete stoop and the stairs leading to it.
“Looks like no one’s home,” Nick commented, looking at the time on his pager that was tucked into the pocket of his shorts, “it’s ten though.”
“Oh, Seanathair is home, he doesn’t go out,” Kaylin said absent-mindedly.
“Shan of hair? What?” Nick was confused.
“Seanathair, shan a hair, it’s Gaelic for grandfather. My grandfather is home. He lives with my dad and me. I sort of take care of him. He’s sick.” She skirted her eyes from his gaze, uncomfortable suddenly.
“Ah, that's right. Ok, then I should let you go and take care of him. Where’s your dad?” Nick was stretching to peer into the bay window that looked into the living room.
“He works. A lot. He won’t be home for awhile still,” Kaylin responded trying to wrap up the conversation. It had been such an amazing night, but she was tense now that he was so close to her house. So close to the threshold that transposed this world of summer and comfort into the one that she normally lived in; a life filled with black mucus and gurgling breaths; filled with a stumbling father who knocked over tables and slammed doors at all hours of the night; filled with a tired girl trying to make food at any hour of the night after being woken up because her father was hungry and there wasn’t a damn thing to eat in this house.
“Are you ok Kay? You seem like your someplace else all of a sudden,” Nick commented, encircling her waist with his hands, his thumbs absently rubbing her hipbone over her dress. She snapped back to reality and laced her arms under his and around his waist, leaning in to rest her head on his shoulder and hug him.
“It’s just been such a great night,” she said and she found herself sad. Not the usual sad of having to reenter her house, but sad that with the shutting of her front door this night would be over and perhaps in the dawn things would be different. Nick rested his against head against hers, his chin at her forehead.
“It really has,” he said sounding far off, “Kaylin?”
She pulled her head away from it’s resting spot on his shoulder/chest and looked up at him with questioning eyes.
“I think I love you,” he finished.
She didn’t know how to respond, so she hugged him close to her and laughed, “There are much easier ways to get in my pants, Nick.” She could feel the rumble of laughter in his chest.
“I’m serious. Just wait. What are you doing tomorrow? Let’s go out, to a movie or something, I don’t care but I need to see you again.”
She looked up at him, and although he was grinning his words were serious.
“We’ll see. It depends how my grandfather is, ya know? It’s like a day to day thing,” she was trying to put him off, but she did want to see him again.
“Ya, I understand,” he leaned down and kissed her again, then moved his face to her ear and using his best Terminator voice whispered, “But I'll be back.”
“I’m sorry I pried,” he said, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand gently, “I ask too many questions when I get nervous; I’m sorry.” Kaylin looked down, embarrassed – he was nervous?
“You’ve got to have some of this pie, it’s amazing,” he announced, changing the subject.
Kaylin smiled at his attempt to soothe her and reached over with her fork to snag a bite. Nick gave her a mock-shocked face, but smiled at her ease with him. Stephen, Alicia’s brother, had introduced him to a few other girls in the area pretty early on; each girl acted so enthralled by him and were way to forward for his liking. He realized that he was the ‘new kid in town’ and the attention showered on him would wane with time. Sure, the attention of the local girls was flattering, but they acted ditsy or were unabashedly flirtatious – both moves that did more to make him want to leave quickly rather than enjoy their company. But not Kaylin; she didn’t act like he was anything special and didn’t put on airs like she was either: she acted like herself and he adored her already.
They wrapped up their dinner, and Nick quickly paid the bill, refusing to even deign himself to hearing her protests. While at the counter to pay, Kaylin noticed that his wallet was on a chain that connected to his belt loop, so she yanked on it as she passed him making the wallet flip out of his hand. Nick gave her a “hey!” but laughed and continued through the transaction.
Kaylin skipped down the few stone steps of the entrance to the diner and waited for Nick. She was pretending to read the headlines of the local papers resting in the vending machines out front when she felt a tug on one of her braids.
“All right, Pippy Longstocking, where to next?” Nick said dodging her as she turned around to push him. He grabbed hold of her hand and she momentarily lost her balance, regaining her footing only a few inches from him.
Any thought Kaylin might have had that Nick just wanted to be friends, any feeling that he was going to be like a big brother – as Stephen was – flew away the instant his skin touched hers in that moment. The laughing smile on her face softened as she stared into the deep sapphires that were his eyes. Her heart raced, sending her blood and what felt like electricity through her veins. Nick moved her hand to his waist and reached up to her neck with his free hand, inching her face even closer to his.
Kaylin had never been kissed before, but her instincts took over and she reached up on her toes and leaned in to him. This might have been her first kiss, but she was damn sure that it was a good one. The air around them crackled and her mind went blank of everything except for this perfect moment.
The next hour Kaylin took Nick to the park, and they took turns on the one working swing. It was officially dark, and some of the older teenagers were sneaking into the wooded areas around the playground for secret parties, rendezvous, and to nip from their parents’ beer collection. Everyone nodded a hello to Kaylin, and some stopped to be introduced to Nick after inquiring why she was out so late. No one seemed bothered that they were seen by her, and no one seemed too worried about her well-being with this relative stranger in town. She was regarded as trust-worthy and able to take care of herself, Nick surmised.
As they walked, Nick held her hand and would look over to her as she talked, telling him about the area that used to be a fountain, but was now just a raised area of dirt, or the place where someone once found a human hand in the bushes. She showed him the scar on her left knee, and pointed out where Sean Rizzman had pushed her and Alicia off the jungle gym during a fierce boy/girl war when she was in the third grade. Twice he stopped to kiss her again, and twice her world tilted and she grew dizzy from the affection.
They wound their way through the streets of Riversedge, Kaylin showing him little landmarks and memories, Nick taking it all in and still holding her hand. Finally they arrived at the dark green duplex that was her house.
“Well, this is where I live. I guess I should get going it’s probably pretty late,” she motioned to
the door and surveyed the windows to see if Seanathair was still awake. The house was dark except for the porch light that illuminated the few feet of a concrete stoop and the stairs leading to it.
“Looks like no one’s home,” Nick commented, looking at the time on his pager that was tucked into the pocket of his shorts, “it’s ten though.”
“Oh, Seanathair is home, he doesn’t go out,” Kaylin said absent-mindedly.
“Shan of hair? What?” Nick was confused.
“Seanathair, shan a hair, it’s Gaelic for grandfather. My grandfather is home. He lives with my dad and me. I sort of take care of him. He’s sick.” She skirted her eyes from his gaze, uncomfortable suddenly.
“Ah, that's right. Ok, then I should let you go and take care of him. Where’s your dad?” Nick was stretching to peer into the bay window that looked into the living room.
“He works. A lot. He won’t be home for awhile still,” Kaylin responded trying to wrap up the conversation. It had been such an amazing night, but she was tense now that he was so close to her house. So close to the threshold that transposed this world of summer and comfort into the one that she normally lived in; a life filled with black mucus and gurgling breaths; filled with a stumbling father who knocked over tables and slammed doors at all hours of the night; filled with a tired girl trying to make food at any hour of the night after being woken up because her father was hungry and there wasn’t a damn thing to eat in this house.
“Are you ok Kay? You seem like your someplace else all of a sudden,” Nick commented, encircling her waist with his hands, his thumbs absently rubbing her hipbone over her dress. She snapped back to reality and laced her arms under his and around his waist, leaning in to rest her head on his shoulder and hug him.
“It’s just been such a great night,” she said and she found herself sad. Not the usual sad of having to reenter her house, but sad that with the shutting of her front door this night would be over and perhaps in the dawn things would be different. Nick rested his against head against hers, his chin at her forehead.
“It really has,” he said sounding far off, “Kaylin?”
She pulled her head away from it’s resting spot on his shoulder/chest and looked up at him with questioning eyes.
“I think I love you,” he finished.
She didn’t know how to respond, so she hugged him close to her and laughed, “There are much easier ways to get in my pants, Nick.” She could feel the rumble of laughter in his chest.
“I’m serious. Just wait. What are you doing tomorrow? Let’s go out, to a movie or something, I don’t care but I need to see you again.”
She looked up at him, and although he was grinning his words were serious.
“We’ll see. It depends how my grandfather is, ya know? It’s like a day to day thing,” she was trying to put him off, but she did want to see him again.
“Ya, I understand,” he leaned down and kissed her again, then moved his face to her ear and using his best Terminator voice whispered, “But I'll be back.”
Part Two: Chapter Four
She saw him from the hill a few streets down, long before she reached this point. She knew where to look, and she stood for a few minutes watching him wait for her. He was leaning casually along the wrought-iron banister at the top of the stairs wearing a professionally tie-dyed shirt and loose, baggy, khaki shorts; his feet were slid into a pair of old, brown sandals, he had a shell necklace resting along the base of his neck, and his sunglass (she was sure they were ray ban) were hanging from the collar of his shirt. He was smoking, and even though school was out for the summer she still had to stifle the worry that someone would see him being so rebellious on school property.
Kaylin ascended the concrete steps of Riversedge Public High School with a tightness in her chest that was all new to her. She was never one to be confident, but she didn’t need to: everyone in the town knew her and she was comfortable in her niche as being Francis McSandsen’s daughter who was quiet and dependable, just like her father. This was someone new, someone who didn’t expect anything from her, who didn’t know her past and her present sometimes better than she did. This was someone who looked at her as a person and not a statue always standing along the border of the Riversedge community.
“Hey,” Kaylin said, trying to sound casual and keep the anxiety out of her voice.
“Hey yourself,” Nick quipped back, “I was worrying you wouldn’t show,” he inhaled the last of his cigarette and flicked the butt out into the vast green of the high school lawn. “Where to?” he said, pushing off the banister and taking the three steps towards her standing at the top of the last step. “Are we breaking in?” he joked, a wide grin across his face.
“No, let’s not get you suspended before your first day,” she laughed and tugged at her dress. She was wearing a dark navy blue baby doll dress over a pair of jean shorts, an outfit mimicked from My So-Called Life. She had pulled her long, brown hair into two French-braids in an effort to keep the afternoon’s chlorine frizz tamed down. “Have you eaten?” she questioned.
“Nope. Whatta thinking?” he skipped down the stairs before she could answer.
“There’s a diner in town, it’s just a few blocks away. Nothing spectacular, but it’s something to do.”
“Is there a waitress named Flo?” he asked.
“Ah, what? Why?”
Nick chuckled, “It’s from the TV show, Alice, you’ve never heard of it?” Kaylin gave him a look and shook her head. “It’s this seventies sitcom about a waitress. It’s the only diner I’ve been exposed to,” he finished.
“You aren’t missing much,” Kaylin quipped and led the way to the Dynasty, the local diner built in to the façade of Riversedge’s main street.
Kaylin ascended the concrete steps of Riversedge Public High School with a tightness in her chest that was all new to her. She was never one to be confident, but she didn’t need to: everyone in the town knew her and she was comfortable in her niche as being Francis McSandsen’s daughter who was quiet and dependable, just like her father. This was someone new, someone who didn’t expect anything from her, who didn’t know her past and her present sometimes better than she did. This was someone who looked at her as a person and not a statue always standing along the border of the Riversedge community.
“Hey,” Kaylin said, trying to sound casual and keep the anxiety out of her voice.
“Hey yourself,” Nick quipped back, “I was worrying you wouldn’t show,” he inhaled the last of his cigarette and flicked the butt out into the vast green of the high school lawn. “Where to?” he said, pushing off the banister and taking the three steps towards her standing at the top of the last step. “Are we breaking in?” he joked, a wide grin across his face.
“No, let’s not get you suspended before your first day,” she laughed and tugged at her dress. She was wearing a dark navy blue baby doll dress over a pair of jean shorts, an outfit mimicked from My So-Called Life. She had pulled her long, brown hair into two French-braids in an effort to keep the afternoon’s chlorine frizz tamed down. “Have you eaten?” she questioned.
“Nope. Whatta thinking?” he skipped down the stairs before she could answer.
“There’s a diner in town, it’s just a few blocks away. Nothing spectacular, but it’s something to do.”
“Is there a waitress named Flo?” he asked.
“Ah, what? Why?”
Nick chuckled, “It’s from the TV show, Alice, you’ve never heard of it?” Kaylin gave him a look and shook her head. “It’s this seventies sitcom about a waitress. It’s the only diner I’ve been exposed to,” he finished.
“You aren’t missing much,” Kaylin quipped and led the way to the Dynasty, the local diner built in to the façade of Riversedge’s main street.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Part Two: Chapter Two
On a humid day in late July, a fifteen year old Kaylin went swimming at her friend Alicia's house while the local priest came by to give confession to Francis. Alicia's brother, Stephen, had invited the new kid from their street over as well, a tall boy named Nick. At seventeen, Nicholas Ainsworth was built like an athlete with a slim waist and broad shoulders; he had moved to Ohio from California, so his tan was deep and natural. His flaxen hair was long, below his ears, and his eyes were the kind of blue that Kaylin thought the Pacific Ocean must have looked like. She was shy around him and found her arms constantly covering her stomach that, although flat, she believed to be too large. Nick was a natural joker, with a quick wit, and was taken with Kaylin immediately.
It was like she had known him her whole life: like she had been waiting her entire life for him to show up. They ended up talking the entire day, and into the early part of night. Except it didn't seem like talking, it was more like catching up, like they were best friends. As the sun grew more and more faint on the horizon, Kaylin became aware of the time and jolted.
"I need to get home, it's a lot later than I thought," she yanked on a pair of shorts over her black tank suit while Alicia lazily pulled herself out of the pool to help her gather her things. She was used to Kaylin having to go home early, and was surprised that she lasted this long. Nick, however, was startled, but recognized her worry and helped Alicia get everything put away.
"Let me walk you home," he offered, folding her towel. She was younger than him, but he knew he was smitten with her: her smile that revealed dimples set precariously on her cheeks, her face splashed with summer freckles, her long, brown hair unbleached or styled. Nick had grown up around the artificial beauty that was his mother's California, but Kaylin had a natural beauty that radiated through her eyes and in her laughter. She joked with him from the get go, and had a natural spit-fire personality. Now she was too hurried gathering her things into a plastic grocery bag to comment on his offer, but she didn't protest when he slipped on his sandals and shirt to follow her around the house and down the drive.
"Here, let me hold that," Nick said reaching for the bag while Kaylin worked her feet into her sneakers while trying to walk. She stopped a gave him a look, but let him take the bag.
"Am I supposed to swoon now?" she quipped, resuming her quick gait, and smirking to herself. She didn't know what he was expecting from Ohio girls, coming from California, but she wasn't impressed with being seen as weak.
"Um," he stumbled over how to answer that, "sure...?" he chuckled, and she turned her head to him and was forced to laugh too.
Kaylin didn't live far, only two blocks away, but Kaylin felt the world move in those few minutes of walking alone with him, not talking but enjoying each other's presence. As she skipped up the few steps to the concrete landing outside her front door, she turned to get the bag from him.
"Well this is it," she started, but Nick snatched the bag away from her reach and interrupted her.
"What are you doing later tonight? Maybe we can get together," he gave her a slow smile and ducked his head down to catch her eyes.
"Oh," Kaylin was surprised; she had never been asked out before. She grew up in a small town and every boy she knew was the son of a friend of her father's and, with the exception of being friends, never gave her a second thought. "Well, um," she looked towards the house, sighed with the thought of having to go back in to the sound of Seanathair laboring to breathe and trying his best to be good company to her. She hesitated in her answer, a new feeling of want crept into her; she wanted independence, she wanted to be the teenager she was, she wanted to keep having this California boy looking at her the way he was right now.
"Sure," she finally blurted out, "but I'll meet you someplace, OK?" she knew her father would never be home before her, but she didn't want to lie to Seanathair, even if he wouldn't know it. Someone knocking on the door would make him ask questions and she didn't know how he felt about boys, the situation had never presented itself before.
"OK. Worried I don't make a good impression, eh? All right," Nick joked, seeing the tension in her eyes. "But where? I just moved here, I barely know what street I live on."
"Oh," she had forgotten that. He was cute, and his teeth were such a sparkling white, he had a preppy look to him, much different than the grunge-and-flannel-wearing boys of school, she liked that. "How about I meet you in front of the school, and we can decide where to go from there?" the school building was large and in the center of town, unmistakable: you had to pass it to get to the highway or just about anywhere in town.
"Ah, the school. I know where that is! Ha, OK, I'll meet you at the school around eight?" he said, checking the time on his pager. One corner of his mouth curled up into a lopsided grin that gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling all over.
"See you then," Kaylin answered and before she could turn around, Nick leaned down and kissed her, feathery soft, on her jaw-line."
"See you," he whispered in her ear and then turned and headed off, back to Alicia's house.
It was like she had known him her whole life: like she had been waiting her entire life for him to show up. They ended up talking the entire day, and into the early part of night. Except it didn't seem like talking, it was more like catching up, like they were best friends. As the sun grew more and more faint on the horizon, Kaylin became aware of the time and jolted.
"I need to get home, it's a lot later than I thought," she yanked on a pair of shorts over her black tank suit while Alicia lazily pulled herself out of the pool to help her gather her things. She was used to Kaylin having to go home early, and was surprised that she lasted this long. Nick, however, was startled, but recognized her worry and helped Alicia get everything put away.
"Let me walk you home," he offered, folding her towel. She was younger than him, but he knew he was smitten with her: her smile that revealed dimples set precariously on her cheeks, her face splashed with summer freckles, her long, brown hair unbleached or styled. Nick had grown up around the artificial beauty that was his mother's California, but Kaylin had a natural beauty that radiated through her eyes and in her laughter. She joked with him from the get go, and had a natural spit-fire personality. Now she was too hurried gathering her things into a plastic grocery bag to comment on his offer, but she didn't protest when he slipped on his sandals and shirt to follow her around the house and down the drive.
"Here, let me hold that," Nick said reaching for the bag while Kaylin worked her feet into her sneakers while trying to walk. She stopped a gave him a look, but let him take the bag.
"Am I supposed to swoon now?" she quipped, resuming her quick gait, and smirking to herself. She didn't know what he was expecting from Ohio girls, coming from California, but she wasn't impressed with being seen as weak.
"Um," he stumbled over how to answer that, "sure...?" he chuckled, and she turned her head to him and was forced to laugh too.
Kaylin didn't live far, only two blocks away, but Kaylin felt the world move in those few minutes of walking alone with him, not talking but enjoying each other's presence. As she skipped up the few steps to the concrete landing outside her front door, she turned to get the bag from him.
"Well this is it," she started, but Nick snatched the bag away from her reach and interrupted her.
"What are you doing later tonight? Maybe we can get together," he gave her a slow smile and ducked his head down to catch her eyes.
"Oh," Kaylin was surprised; she had never been asked out before. She grew up in a small town and every boy she knew was the son of a friend of her father's and, with the exception of being friends, never gave her a second thought. "Well, um," she looked towards the house, sighed with the thought of having to go back in to the sound of Seanathair laboring to breathe and trying his best to be good company to her. She hesitated in her answer, a new feeling of want crept into her; she wanted independence, she wanted to be the teenager she was, she wanted to keep having this California boy looking at her the way he was right now.
"Sure," she finally blurted out, "but I'll meet you someplace, OK?" she knew her father would never be home before her, but she didn't want to lie to Seanathair, even if he wouldn't know it. Someone knocking on the door would make him ask questions and she didn't know how he felt about boys, the situation had never presented itself before.
"OK. Worried I don't make a good impression, eh? All right," Nick joked, seeing the tension in her eyes. "But where? I just moved here, I barely know what street I live on."
"Oh," she had forgotten that. He was cute, and his teeth were such a sparkling white, he had a preppy look to him, much different than the grunge-and-flannel-wearing boys of school, she liked that. "How about I meet you in front of the school, and we can decide where to go from there?" the school building was large and in the center of town, unmistakable: you had to pass it to get to the highway or just about anywhere in town.
"Ah, the school. I know where that is! Ha, OK, I'll meet you at the school around eight?" he said, checking the time on his pager. One corner of his mouth curled up into a lopsided grin that gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling all over.
"See you then," Kaylin answered and before she could turn around, Nick leaned down and kissed her, feathery soft, on her jaw-line."
"See you," he whispered in her ear and then turned and headed off, back to Alicia's house.
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